Torn

6.00 am and I'm the only one awake. Sun raking in from the East. The baby is trying to prolong an endless sleepy suckle on Lu's breast that we should have put a stop to months ago. Grace is sprawled next to them. Anna flat out in her own room. I shall sneak down to The Office (sic!) and write this entry. A fantastic little bit of time to myself, no-one tugging, no nasty shift in the bank balance, yet, just me, cooing pigeons, hungry cat and the freedom to find my centre and start writing here. Aaargh .... just making tea when I hear them stir upstairs. Should I go up and help now or pretend I haven't heard. I'll ignore them just for the few minutes it takes to write this. I'll pretend Lu hasn't had a bad night and do my own thing, just for a few minutes, oh, but I should join them now, change a sodden nappy, plan our trip to Tessa's mill because, hey, it's the weekend and I shouldn't be working now, should I... I should be present, participating, helpful, good-natured - not pursuing delusions here at the keyboard. But maybe just a few minutes more...